I was sitting on my couch with a girlfriend and a glass of wine last week catching up on life and love, and sharing what was coming up for each of us this fall. On my "to do" list was this newsletter and the always uncomfortable but always satisfying writing process I go through each time I write. When she said, "oh I'm sure it will just write itself... easily and gracefully, just like everything you do", I choked on my wine.
I'm thinking about this now as I'm sitting here exploring my resistance. I'm noticing a contracted feeling at the centre of my chest that radiates outward to include my shoulders and solar plexus. I try taking some deep breaths to see if it will loosen. Not really. I meditate for half an hour to see if I can shift my focus from performance and production to receiving. "What is trying to come through me? What insights and inspiration are currently sitting, untapped in this condensed form of tension in my body? If this contraction (fear) is an indication of believing that I am currently unsupported, what would feel nourishing, healing and nurturing for me?"
Ahhh, I can feel some energy begin to move. The thought "it's time for a massage" comes to mind. More tension is dropped, even just at the suggestion of receiving some body work. I do a small BodyTalk session on myself. I observe some defensive energy affecting my thymus gland (sitting in the heart region) which has patterned itself into this gland's cellular structure. These patterns are old and developed to cope with fear that would arise each year at this time to do with going back to school. For those who are more naturally extroverted, going back to school can be a joyful expression of their nature. As an introvert, it was mostly nightmarish for me. My body remembers. I tap this out and feel the charge in this old story begin to dissolve.
More deep breaths. More insights. It comes to me that this expanded summer energy that I love feeds the extroverted parts of me. Outdoor living, travel and camping excursions, weddings and celebrations, connecting with fabulous people and wearing fewer clothes allows me to feel the sun on my skin and the radiating nature my own solar forces. But I am beginning to feel spread thin, as if parts of me were still hanging out in the various places I have traveled to, with the people I have been with over the past couple months. My body, mind and soul are craving integration and quieter, deepening energies.
Shifting from outward energy to inward energy is not a smooth and graceful transition for me. It's bumpy. It's rough. Just as I question the probability of a crash upon landing every time I fly in a plane, the same "oh my god I don't think we're gonna make it" thought comes to mind.
And then the insights start coming. This newsletter is reflecting the transition of energies as they shift from summer to fall...from outward to inward...from extroverted to introverted...in all of us. I can literally feel the cohesion now at the centre of my being. My heart centre is relaxing. Where there was a block, resistance and tension there is now forward motion. My thoughts are flowing and I begin to write. This piece writes itself.